I am back! It has been awhile, but things go on as do with our lives. I have been through a wringer as one would say and I have finally decided that am O.K... enough of a Martyrship. Hey things happen in one's life and to try and do like write this stuff is pretty amazing . I have been told my 'creativity' is at it's peak and I thought ..." HuH" what the WAHT the H.ll that means. I decide to take what I had learned a very long time ago and I started crocheting. A long time ago I did learn how to do it and so I decided it is about time I re-visit it again. Well... too true my creativity and long forgotten skill did come back. So here I am crocheting again. A very good friend of mine said that you are absolutely amazing how you can finish of a pair of slippers within hours and they actually fit. Heheh.... I am my past, present and the future... the old skills come back if needed. VOILA! Am happy.... yet WHAT the hell is not quite right????? Am missing someone whom is right next to me yet NOT quite there... YET. Oh well, such is the 3rd diemsional life....
I saw pictures in the National Geographic of so called " Little People" and after a second or two I exclaimed " They look like Peter" a friend of mine in another realm and I had a distinct visual someone nearly choking on a drink of some sort and a real instant picture of someone standing next to me and looking. After few seconds he just said " you really think so..?" My dear friend in another realm wanted to check it out as it was him I was talking about.
Well.... yes it held a likness of him and he gave me a smootch and told me he loved me and held a small smile. Dear ol' Peter of the Universal Lot... an Emperor of all things... Lyran if am not too wrong. He is one of the most amazing peoples I have had a pleasure of knowing, not at all 'proud' yet is. He's bawld as an egg yet one of the most handsome of men I have ever had a pleasure or dis-pleasure of seeing plus he's just an amazing Leader of the whole ship he commands... and the respect he gets. Just reminds me of something about the real Leader of doing it by his/her example not by what he says.
I remember visitng him on his ship and he showed me the Earth from the distance. What a beautifull Jewel it indeed is and he ever so gently just walked to a 'window' and said " you always wanted to see this, so come and have a look". I did and I saw a most beautiful sight, no BS. Earth from the Space looks like a most beautiful jewel in the darkness of the rest and it absolutely and definetly won't be ' destroyed' in any manner or form for it is only one of the younger planets, I felt like saying a Star for indeed we live on this most beautifull "Star".
I love You " Peter" for showing me the total beauty and grace of this planet. I feel safe for myself and I feel safe in the knowledge that WE ALL whom are sharing this place here on this Earth and beyond will be O.K. VOILA.... we WILL continue and we WILL not go quitley into the night!
So, I AM and so I WILL be and go on like the rest of the Creation...like all fo You whom share this. All for One and One for ALL here Babes.... WE WILL NOT GO QUIET into the night for we will SURVIVE... and Babes HOW!!
Ta-ta,
BF 13
Friday, February 29, 2008
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Continued saga....
How is it that when one is not meant to do something and tries the Universe seems to throw one obstacle after another in a way. I had been planning with a friend of mine to drive to QLD and see my friends and family. Well, closer the trip has started to come more obstacles are being thrown in a way. First my friend got sick and really had us all worried and I have taken almost two weeks off first to look after him and then just to have a rest and some free time for myself after many months of stress and trials. That is expensive as I work as a casual person and I only get paid for when I work.
Next my eye test revealed that I needed new glasses.... well just the lenses alone because of my prescription cost well over $ 600 A and that is without the frames. Then the gas, electricity and the phone bills arrived the same day. Well... needless to say the trip is off and somehow am disappointed, but also almost relieved. To my experience once one has to start swimming upstream like a salmon it is just not meant to be for reasons only known to the Higher Authority and if things are meant to happen they do and will without much effort as the Universe seemingly just supports and clears way for the plans for them to happen.
I obviously was meant to attend an ADFA ( Australian Defence Force Academy) Rec Day for Canteen at the end of this month as when I got the e-mail from the coordinator having only one place left for the Volunteers to go and as I called him if it still was avail he was happy to invite me along to play amongst the teenagers and the soldiers with their boats, rifle range and water obstacle course. Wow... I was happy as I am a big kid although rather stiff with age and the good ol' arthritis. The water obstacle course I might have to sit out, but I'll be wolf whistling all the way, heheh.... the ol' Witch I am.
So no QLD trip for this year, but hopefully the next. Bugger, but if the fates step in so then I listen because simply won't have the means to go.
Tomorrow I shall go for a picnic in a place called Vee Jasper and attempt to see and listen why all of a sudden after years I am called in by my intuition and the place. I shall also see if I will find some crystals.... see if Mother Earth gifts me with some.
Oh well, life is an adventure and it always does not go the way expected, but let go of the expectations and a surprise or two could be in the wind and around the corner. I remember with the Lifeline course years ago there was a saying that let go off the river bank, stop fighting the current and let the river take you where you are meant to go and so it shall. That is how I have attempted to live my life the past 2 weeks at least and I like it. No big plans, no expectations thus no disappointments... just go with the flow. We will see if and what is ahead of me if I trust enough to just float with the River of My Life.
Ciao,
BF13
Next my eye test revealed that I needed new glasses.... well just the lenses alone because of my prescription cost well over $ 600 A and that is without the frames. Then the gas, electricity and the phone bills arrived the same day. Well... needless to say the trip is off and somehow am disappointed, but also almost relieved. To my experience once one has to start swimming upstream like a salmon it is just not meant to be for reasons only known to the Higher Authority and if things are meant to happen they do and will without much effort as the Universe seemingly just supports and clears way for the plans for them to happen.
I obviously was meant to attend an ADFA ( Australian Defence Force Academy) Rec Day for Canteen at the end of this month as when I got the e-mail from the coordinator having only one place left for the Volunteers to go and as I called him if it still was avail he was happy to invite me along to play amongst the teenagers and the soldiers with their boats, rifle range and water obstacle course. Wow... I was happy as I am a big kid although rather stiff with age and the good ol' arthritis. The water obstacle course I might have to sit out, but I'll be wolf whistling all the way, heheh.... the ol' Witch I am.
So no QLD trip for this year, but hopefully the next. Bugger, but if the fates step in so then I listen because simply won't have the means to go.
Tomorrow I shall go for a picnic in a place called Vee Jasper and attempt to see and listen why all of a sudden after years I am called in by my intuition and the place. I shall also see if I will find some crystals.... see if Mother Earth gifts me with some.
Oh well, life is an adventure and it always does not go the way expected, but let go of the expectations and a surprise or two could be in the wind and around the corner. I remember with the Lifeline course years ago there was a saying that let go off the river bank, stop fighting the current and let the river take you where you are meant to go and so it shall. That is how I have attempted to live my life the past 2 weeks at least and I like it. No big plans, no expectations thus no disappointments... just go with the flow. We will see if and what is ahead of me if I trust enough to just float with the River of My Life.
Ciao,
BF13
Monday, October 1, 2007
Winging it.....
Howdy and so on.... Dear Diary.
I am sitting here a little blank and almost in a zombie mode as I am sort of out of my body in my state of DON'T CARE, DON'T KNOW AND DON'T GIVE A DAMN. Plans seem to have this funny way of going way out of the of the order and am just shrugging my shoulders and throwing my hands in the air.
Last few weeks I have been planning to go to QLD to visit my family and friends.... well that's outta window it seems as I have now just no interest at this moment and I am suppose to drive off on the 1st of November. Finances, work, health and general dis-interest are standing in my way like a bloody brick wall that I just could not be bothered to climb over at the moment. I COULD get over it, but it just seems like too much bother at the moment. What is it in plans and me that when I plan they tend to stand on the head in the end and nothing seems to come out of them and when I don't plan life just seems to sweep me along in it's own rhythm and pace and I am just floating along doing whatever it is that I am doing at the time.
So I have resolved to wing it as the Masters are supposedly doing and just see way the River of My Life takes me. Surprises as long as they are pleasant and bring joy are good so this is what I am resolving in getting.... bugger, but that is a plan, too. Oh well, I will just sit and wait. Eventually the Heavens will show me the way I am suppose to travel. It seems I am in a sort of Hiatus at the moment. Quite before the storm is it or is it the eye of the storm...? I don't mind storms as long as they have a moderate power to cleanse and re-new a tired and worn out energy and replace the heavy and seemingly pointless existence with something fresh, new and vibrant. Blow the cobwebs out of one's life and being and wake me up from the deep slumber I seem to fall into every so often. It is time for the quite and then time for the action.
The World just keeps on turning and I on it with countless others whom also feel sleepy and lame. I actually don't care and don't find it too disturbing. It's like I have been placed inside a cocoon and am kept somewhat separate and all the sounds and surrounds seem muffled and separated from me. I look, but am removed from the masses and last week and this week am truly removed as am not even going to work, but am impulsed to stay home and cocoon myself so totally that even being in the shops to get milk is almost impossibly trying. What is going on in the World and especially in mine?
My higher friends Leyla and Zach have been quiet and very un-noticed. Hmmm.... talk about integrating totally or then they have whamoozed into the higher realms as this one could kill any kind and jovial soul full of oomph and zest for life. Oh well, whatevv-verr-rr I say.... I am ju-ust going to enjoy my days of rest, re-coup and cocooning. Maybe am just flying over the cocoo's nest and have fallen in without noticing it.... YOH!!!!!
BF13 :-)
I am sitting here a little blank and almost in a zombie mode as I am sort of out of my body in my state of DON'T CARE, DON'T KNOW AND DON'T GIVE A DAMN. Plans seem to have this funny way of going way out of the of the order and am just shrugging my shoulders and throwing my hands in the air.
Last few weeks I have been planning to go to QLD to visit my family and friends.... well that's outta window it seems as I have now just no interest at this moment and I am suppose to drive off on the 1st of November. Finances, work, health and general dis-interest are standing in my way like a bloody brick wall that I just could not be bothered to climb over at the moment. I COULD get over it, but it just seems like too much bother at the moment. What is it in plans and me that when I plan they tend to stand on the head in the end and nothing seems to come out of them and when I don't plan life just seems to sweep me along in it's own rhythm and pace and I am just floating along doing whatever it is that I am doing at the time.
So I have resolved to wing it as the Masters are supposedly doing and just see way the River of My Life takes me. Surprises as long as they are pleasant and bring joy are good so this is what I am resolving in getting.... bugger, but that is a plan, too. Oh well, I will just sit and wait. Eventually the Heavens will show me the way I am suppose to travel. It seems I am in a sort of Hiatus at the moment. Quite before the storm is it or is it the eye of the storm...? I don't mind storms as long as they have a moderate power to cleanse and re-new a tired and worn out energy and replace the heavy and seemingly pointless existence with something fresh, new and vibrant. Blow the cobwebs out of one's life and being and wake me up from the deep slumber I seem to fall into every so often. It is time for the quite and then time for the action.
The World just keeps on turning and I on it with countless others whom also feel sleepy and lame. I actually don't care and don't find it too disturbing. It's like I have been placed inside a cocoon and am kept somewhat separate and all the sounds and surrounds seem muffled and separated from me. I look, but am removed from the masses and last week and this week am truly removed as am not even going to work, but am impulsed to stay home and cocoon myself so totally that even being in the shops to get milk is almost impossibly trying. What is going on in the World and especially in mine?
My higher friends Leyla and Zach have been quiet and very un-noticed. Hmmm.... talk about integrating totally or then they have whamoozed into the higher realms as this one could kill any kind and jovial soul full of oomph and zest for life. Oh well, whatevv-verr-rr I say.... I am ju-ust going to enjoy my days of rest, re-coup and cocooning. Maybe am just flying over the cocoo's nest and have fallen in without noticing it.... YOH!!!!!
BF13 :-)
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Will and the last testament.... crikey....and other stuff...
Well, another day has dawned and the World is still spinning as it has for millenniums. I have been sitting and reading my Will Kit and I have come to a conclusion it is all too complicated and silly for someone with no assets and lot of money in a bank. My goodness... my poor ol' stuff... who cares where it goes am sure and my kids won't want some of it so into Revolve shop me thinks it'll go. I am sure as I will go on for a while longer that eventually I will part with some of the more important stuff ( like the few things I have from the ol' country) and give them out to my kids, but only to those whom are interested in keeping them. I am once again in my unloading state and thus will look at what I can toss and give away.
It must be a periodic Nomad energies that engulf me and so I proceed to unburden myself of useless and old belongings to a tune of putting my clothing that I have not worn for past 2-3 years ( no, I won't lose weight...) into charity bags. Consequently that is why I have few belongings as I lighten myself up every couple of years and feel a little more free. This means there are hardly anything of any value to leave for my family as either they already have it or I never took it when I left the ex and left all of it behind to start afresh. I did not want the old energy dragging behind so I felt if I left it all par from the few domestic things and the presents which I had received from my family and the friends I'd be more free from the influences of our soured relationship and marriage as I struggled to start again and find myself and my purpose and I was right. It indeed assisted not having the energy stored in the " stuff" messing around in my life as I found it hard and messy enough going in every way to begin with. The scariest and the most soul searching journey that new beginning was as I never had been alone in my whole 37 years on this Earth and all of a sudden I was totally alone and responsible for everything in my life. It was like being a Babe in the Woods.... SCARY, lonely and DARK with strange noises, people and things. But I learned to navigate the Woods and became comfortable eventually and now I look forward to each new adventure.
The first Xmas alone after the 6 months was just most soul tearing experience, but at the same time the most educational time of my life. I understood then why that time of the year people commit most suicides.... no wonder as the loneliness is magnified thousand times when everybody else in the World is with Family and Friends and one it seems is the ONLY one alone. Of course there are millions of people alone at that time, but for me whom never had been it was a truly difficult and heart rending day. My Children whom were teenagers at the time stayed with their father as he to that date had been an exceptional parent and I felt they would be far safer and more settled staying with him and in their home rather than me whom was so totally lost in the wilderness those times. I know they had a hard and difficult time also adjusting, but they have come through it as exceptional adults and I am forever and extremely proud of them and grateful for the strong souls they are.
On the hind sight now am so bloody glad I survived as the personal growth was enormous and ever so welcome and I have become a far nicer, braver, able to laugh at life and myself and far more compassionate woman and a human being than what I was before. In fact I do not know the woman I was when I look at the photos taken before leaving over the years of the marriage. I look at a total stranger... who was she???? Indeed the change was so dramatic that I became a new and a different person or was it that I finally started to dig myself out from underneath of the other peoples' and my own old patterning and expectations and my own weakness to stand up and be counted as whom I really was rather than the mask that I had built up to hide behind. I feel compassion for that poor, lost soul and am ever so grateful for the 'horror' times in the past because they tempered me into who I am today, independent, compassionate and strong woman with an eccentric streak.
Nevertheless, I still don't have much to 'WILL' to anyone in my immediate family. I suppose as long as I have taken care of the expense of my 'last rites' at least I won't leave my family to worry about getting the carcass cremated. I suppose I have my Super, but if the World's economy keeps falling like it has begun well... it may not be worth the paper it's written on.
I hope I have imparted some good, kind and wise thing to my Family so that will be my legacy then. It is said that if we know that even one Life has breathed easier because we have lived, this is to have succeeded. How true.... a great legacy. Mother Theresa must be an Arch Angel in the Heavens by her Legacy then... I bloody well expect so.
I am not worried departing as such, but wanted my eventual Final Curtain not to cost thousands of dollars to my kids so I took a Funeral Plan. It gave me a peace of mind and if my quiz in it was correct I should look forward to my 93rd birthday. If am not healthy and happy it is then time for me to go and take a hike at the Himalayas or some vastly snowy country like some natives up in Arctic do and never return. Bugger it for a joke rotting in some nursing home... they'd throw me out anyhow for being a total pest and a rebel, leading a revolt against the system of mushed and mashed/blended goop and thickened fluids. Once the body is in the danger of not handling an adult diet and my bladder and bowels are in danger of going back to the babyhood it is a high time to expire, keel over, stop, drop and roll in an instant. JC and all the rest of the Saints won't want me joining them with the racket I'll be making on my entry in that case..." GIMME the BLOODY CONTRACT I WROTE NAPPIES and the GOOP INTO.....NOW!!!!! I WANNA SEE IT!!!!!" ... and if it is true my Higher Self would be a very wise Higher Self if it indeed migrated into another dimension in another Universe because I'd be on a HUNT. Hehehe.....LOL.
So I shall write my "will" and give it to my oldest son for the safe keeping with the Funeral Plan and he can do as he wills with it. I won't be here to sort it out, but probably sorting out my contractual mistakes at the Pearly Gates. They ( the Spirit Guides) are already perhaps planning my next incarnation or maybe their own post haste after my arrival to the Gates. Like I have said " Heaven doesn't want me and the Hell's afraid I'll take over..." HEHEH....
BF13 :-)
It must be a periodic Nomad energies that engulf me and so I proceed to unburden myself of useless and old belongings to a tune of putting my clothing that I have not worn for past 2-3 years ( no, I won't lose weight...) into charity bags. Consequently that is why I have few belongings as I lighten myself up every couple of years and feel a little more free. This means there are hardly anything of any value to leave for my family as either they already have it or I never took it when I left the ex and left all of it behind to start afresh. I did not want the old energy dragging behind so I felt if I left it all par from the few domestic things and the presents which I had received from my family and the friends I'd be more free from the influences of our soured relationship and marriage as I struggled to start again and find myself and my purpose and I was right. It indeed assisted not having the energy stored in the " stuff" messing around in my life as I found it hard and messy enough going in every way to begin with. The scariest and the most soul searching journey that new beginning was as I never had been alone in my whole 37 years on this Earth and all of a sudden I was totally alone and responsible for everything in my life. It was like being a Babe in the Woods.... SCARY, lonely and DARK with strange noises, people and things. But I learned to navigate the Woods and became comfortable eventually and now I look forward to each new adventure.
The first Xmas alone after the 6 months was just most soul tearing experience, but at the same time the most educational time of my life. I understood then why that time of the year people commit most suicides.... no wonder as the loneliness is magnified thousand times when everybody else in the World is with Family and Friends and one it seems is the ONLY one alone. Of course there are millions of people alone at that time, but for me whom never had been it was a truly difficult and heart rending day. My Children whom were teenagers at the time stayed with their father as he to that date had been an exceptional parent and I felt they would be far safer and more settled staying with him and in their home rather than me whom was so totally lost in the wilderness those times. I know they had a hard and difficult time also adjusting, but they have come through it as exceptional adults and I am forever and extremely proud of them and grateful for the strong souls they are.
On the hind sight now am so bloody glad I survived as the personal growth was enormous and ever so welcome and I have become a far nicer, braver, able to laugh at life and myself and far more compassionate woman and a human being than what I was before. In fact I do not know the woman I was when I look at the photos taken before leaving over the years of the marriage. I look at a total stranger... who was she???? Indeed the change was so dramatic that I became a new and a different person or was it that I finally started to dig myself out from underneath of the other peoples' and my own old patterning and expectations and my own weakness to stand up and be counted as whom I really was rather than the mask that I had built up to hide behind. I feel compassion for that poor, lost soul and am ever so grateful for the 'horror' times in the past because they tempered me into who I am today, independent, compassionate and strong woman with an eccentric streak.
Nevertheless, I still don't have much to 'WILL' to anyone in my immediate family. I suppose as long as I have taken care of the expense of my 'last rites' at least I won't leave my family to worry about getting the carcass cremated. I suppose I have my Super, but if the World's economy keeps falling like it has begun well... it may not be worth the paper it's written on.
I hope I have imparted some good, kind and wise thing to my Family so that will be my legacy then. It is said that if we know that even one Life has breathed easier because we have lived, this is to have succeeded. How true.... a great legacy. Mother Theresa must be an Arch Angel in the Heavens by her Legacy then... I bloody well expect so.
I am not worried departing as such, but wanted my eventual Final Curtain not to cost thousands of dollars to my kids so I took a Funeral Plan. It gave me a peace of mind and if my quiz in it was correct I should look forward to my 93rd birthday. If am not healthy and happy it is then time for me to go and take a hike at the Himalayas or some vastly snowy country like some natives up in Arctic do and never return. Bugger it for a joke rotting in some nursing home... they'd throw me out anyhow for being a total pest and a rebel, leading a revolt against the system of mushed and mashed/blended goop and thickened fluids. Once the body is in the danger of not handling an adult diet and my bladder and bowels are in danger of going back to the babyhood it is a high time to expire, keel over, stop, drop and roll in an instant. JC and all the rest of the Saints won't want me joining them with the racket I'll be making on my entry in that case..." GIMME the BLOODY CONTRACT I WROTE NAPPIES and the GOOP INTO.....NOW!!!!! I WANNA SEE IT!!!!!" ... and if it is true my Higher Self would be a very wise Higher Self if it indeed migrated into another dimension in another Universe because I'd be on a HUNT. Hehehe.....LOL.
So I shall write my "will" and give it to my oldest son for the safe keeping with the Funeral Plan and he can do as he wills with it. I won't be here to sort it out, but probably sorting out my contractual mistakes at the Pearly Gates. They ( the Spirit Guides) are already perhaps planning my next incarnation or maybe their own post haste after my arrival to the Gates. Like I have said " Heaven doesn't want me and the Hell's afraid I'll take over..." HEHEH....
BF13 :-)
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
...end to the Mish Mash and the other...
Well, reading the last piece I thought of deleting it and then I remembered couple of the sayings I had received from my Daughter-in-Law.
~Do not make some priority in your life if you are only an option in theirs, Relationships work best when in balance.
~ You don't need to explain yourself as those who like you don't need it and those who don't like you won't believe it.
How apt and true.
So I left the piece in....and decided to move on with more than one part of my life. One cannot touch any part of the river again because it will have gone never to return and so I want to enjoy each part of the river before it's gone never to return again. Life is a same as it just flows and is gone before we know it. The parts of the river that have flown on are only a memory and no use living with regrets as there is no way bringing back what is already passed. So I now have resolved to look forward in this journey and not backward as the 'Lone Wolf' is moving on. All that is gone has and all that is ahead is waiting to be explored with new friends, experiences and adventures. Life is to be lived not remembered only. To look over the shoulder to what has been or gone is to miss out in what is ahead of us because we are so busy rubber necking backwards. Yesterday is gone never to return, tomorrow is a mystery for us to explore when it becomes Today and today is a PRESENT and that is why it is called such. Happy exploring in the PRESENT, the very moment we are in NOW. No regrets, but well learned lessons....
Viva LA Viva!
~Do not make some priority in your life if you are only an option in theirs, Relationships work best when in balance.
~ You don't need to explain yourself as those who like you don't need it and those who don't like you won't believe it.
How apt and true.
So I left the piece in....and decided to move on with more than one part of my life. One cannot touch any part of the river again because it will have gone never to return and so I want to enjoy each part of the river before it's gone never to return again. Life is a same as it just flows and is gone before we know it. The parts of the river that have flown on are only a memory and no use living with regrets as there is no way bringing back what is already passed. So I now have resolved to look forward in this journey and not backward as the 'Lone Wolf' is moving on. All that is gone has and all that is ahead is waiting to be explored with new friends, experiences and adventures. Life is to be lived not remembered only. To look over the shoulder to what has been or gone is to miss out in what is ahead of us because we are so busy rubber necking backwards. Yesterday is gone never to return, tomorrow is a mystery for us to explore when it becomes Today and today is a PRESENT and that is why it is called such. Happy exploring in the PRESENT, the very moment we are in NOW. No regrets, but well learned lessons....
Viva LA Viva!
Sunday, August 5, 2007
More mish and mash....with miracles and Butterflies...
My Goodness I must say I have had a busy few days. My friend and a soul- sister flew in on Wednesday evening and we had dinner the following evening with a old friend of ours and my Hosemate. The old friend has picked on my heart strings for quite awhile, but I doubt he'd know or feel the same heart connection as I do, but as we are of a same soul family the connection is deep and lasting no other way about it. Friend of mine a while back took our birth dates and calculated and drew lines and told me we were of the same soul family. Well, it was an explanation for the close and at times attractive connection, but it seems that this man I feel very deeply for is not the river that would take me home as such as he does not seem to feel the same love connection to me as I do to him. Such is life and we cannot push the river even if we ever so wanted to and I have as life and destiny are their own Masters. At times one feels as if the life and love are part of Murphy's Law and who knows someone else meant for me could just be around the corner, waiting to meet me. Soul-mates are many in this life and one of the psychics in one of the magazines said I would re-marry one day. To love someone is an amazing gift to forward to that person no matter what as they will receive that energy no matter even if they are not aware of receiving such. It will never hurt, but bless and lighten their days and lives as the energy of Love is the strongest and most healing energy to be received and what a gift from a heart it is to those receiving it. It may also be returned without the concious awarness and the energy vibrates back and forth like a golden, warm, sunny waves, healing and bonding those hearts involved.
My soul- sister will be leaving tomorrow morning to fly back to her soul-mate and a lover. The wedding will follow in next couple of years and am hoping mine will join me in time for that amazing celebration. I am missing my friend already, but we will drive up to visit her and family hopefully next month as both my house-mate and I want to also have a bit of a tour to see what gives as far as moving at least for awhile. I think I need to get away from hopeless and confusing situations in my life and hopefully clear my head from cobwebs of this life and it's experiences including seemingly unreturned love.
Ho-hum what a dreary and hopeless feel to this Blog.... heheh. I am not as heart broken as I sound, just little melancholic and wishing not to have to drag myself through the muddy waters of my own making as I slosh in waves of my emotions. SIGH!!!!!
Love and it's many splendid things.... and like what are they I ask.... hmmmm. Learning, more learning and so it goes.....
I pray my Guides and Father/Mother God/ess will bring me through this stinging and smarting stormy affair of my heart and lead me to the still waters of a safe and a sunny harbour. I will wait for the miracle.
Miracles and Butterflies,
BF13 :-)
My soul- sister will be leaving tomorrow morning to fly back to her soul-mate and a lover. The wedding will follow in next couple of years and am hoping mine will join me in time for that amazing celebration. I am missing my friend already, but we will drive up to visit her and family hopefully next month as both my house-mate and I want to also have a bit of a tour to see what gives as far as moving at least for awhile. I think I need to get away from hopeless and confusing situations in my life and hopefully clear my head from cobwebs of this life and it's experiences including seemingly unreturned love.
Ho-hum what a dreary and hopeless feel to this Blog.... heheh. I am not as heart broken as I sound, just little melancholic and wishing not to have to drag myself through the muddy waters of my own making as I slosh in waves of my emotions. SIGH!!!!!
Love and it's many splendid things.... and like what are they I ask.... hmmmm. Learning, more learning and so it goes.....
I pray my Guides and Father/Mother God/ess will bring me through this stinging and smarting stormy affair of my heart and lead me to the still waters of a safe and a sunny harbour. I will wait for the miracle.
Miracles and Butterflies,
BF13 :-)
Monday, July 30, 2007
Mish Mash of Feelings
Oh well, the Xmas in July is over. Cooked like a mad woman and could not even look at it afterward, not even the next day. That's the trouble with me when I cook a lot... I have a real problem eating it afterwards as I have smelled, tasted, handled and looked at the cooking for hours I feel as if I have been eating it for hours also. Everyone else enjoyed it and my kids went home with heaps happily and I sipped (may as well have sat in the bottle) red wine. Huh, somewhat excessively as I found myself trying to remember the end of the evening. It got lost somewhere in my hazy , wine laden brain and I felt as if I missed out on something. Well, I felt real embarrassed later on Sunday as generally one can make a fool of themselves at that stage. Never mind I was assured by my daughter I had only got 'deep and meaningful' as she put it and loved everyone. Oh Boy.....
Never mind.... one of my best lifetime friends is flying in tomorrow evening. She has been like a sister to me for over 2 decades and in the disappointment and the sad situation with another whom I thought was the same, but as I found was not after all, this friend has been a fine comfort, a solid and steady influence and a voice of reason. I have come to a conclusion that some people are here for a reason, season or a lifetime and this one seems a lifetime one where the other was there for whatever reason and I'd say that was for learning. Disappointing and sad that one finds others having their personal agendas for a friendship where it is a sense of power and control or was it a perhaps a sense of competition for a man's affections as may have been in this case. She did not have to compete for it with me, but with the lady in England as that is where his heart lies as he admitted he had started to develop feelings for her last year. Like I have said before one cannot push a river and make others love one and in this case she joined the other twittering bunch of women glamoring for his attentions and they all are left behind this Friday as he'll fly out to his lady love. She just managed to lose a loyal and steadfast friend with her undeserved trashing of my trust and her trying to flex her muscle in this family being a mere acquaintance to that part of this family. Somehow her loss ain't stinging as badly as I thought it would as she took my trust and trashed it in her attempt to climb the pole to this man. Once the trust is gone one might as well kiss the relationship goodbye no matter what it is . I realize that one is not a true friend if one treats someone like that.Very juvenile also to throw something back in a belittling manner that one trusted her with in a confidence. No more.... I learned and I also lost my respect for her. What a drama and what a life experience. I will build a bridge and get over it.
Onto more pleasant things....leave the negative behind....
I am thinking of joining the local Tibetan Buddhist group for a meditations on Sundays. Feel like I need some peace and abiding calm amongst the chaos that seems to be around. I also feel like a sea change to go and leave some of this behind at least for awhile. I am truly feeling oddly disjointed and unhappy this morning. I know there is lot of energy going on with all the changes and it affects everyone. I am feeling heavy, sad , depressed and disjointed like I need something... just don't know what it is.... love perhaps. They say love heals anything and so maybe all I need is love, hmm.
Love, the elusive thing we all look for and some 'wise' people have said that we have to find it within ourselves first before we can love others and true it may be as if one is happy within one can and will give of it freely from within. I am usually quite a happy and smiley person and have these bubbles of joy within, but today they feel flat and sad, missing something. There have been situations in my life even as far as my childhood that have come back to haunt me in their negativity. I understand that lot of it is so I can look at them, forgive them and then let them go, but at times it overwhelms me as some I find are harder to let go of. I seem to be have been rejected a hell of a lot in my life by the parents, various men, friends and strangers. Sometimes the rejection stung deeply because the changes were not within my power like as a child. Most of it I don't worry about so much, but some still rankle and hurt. I have been able to work through some as I can see that the people involved only did their best/worst with what they had at the time and only I can change it now by forgiving the trespasses and go on with a clean slate. In men category it still continues as not so much as rejections any longer, but a pure disinterest. One of the biggest rejections of course was when my second husband at the time came out as a gay man. Now THAT was a major hit below the belt for me as a woman, a person and a wife. Eventually as I was able to surface from that horror I finally began to see that it was not me, but his weaknesses and his inability to face his life as he was that brought about this major, major scene into my unsuspecting view. I worked with it to best of my ability and I must say I grew up somewhat cynical, bruised, battered, but not beaten. I still believe in true love which is a pure miracle I feel after the lifetime experiences I have had with it. True love I believe is around, but is one fortunate enough to receive it? Nevertheless I believe in it's existence and some are indeed fortunate enough to receive it as my friend whom is flying in can attest to. I in my 53rd year rolling on toward me have not yet felt it nor met it face to face par from the love I feel and receive from my Twin in the higher realms. But as here in the physical na-na. Hope lives on though even if it fades to nothing at times and then after a my little, pink piggy moment feeling sorry for myself I get mad with myself and march a little more determined towards my future. I don't believe that having a mere male in one's life will bring any kind of a blessing, but having one's own heart singing with joy and peace will and then THAT attracts the one whom matches one's own higher vibration. I don't want mediocre, but the best for me and that which serves the highest good for me as well as him, but all others around us. The best is yet to come as they say and that's how I will sign off....
Viva LA Viva......:-)
BF13
Never mind.... one of my best lifetime friends is flying in tomorrow evening. She has been like a sister to me for over 2 decades and in the disappointment and the sad situation with another whom I thought was the same, but as I found was not after all, this friend has been a fine comfort, a solid and steady influence and a voice of reason. I have come to a conclusion that some people are here for a reason, season or a lifetime and this one seems a lifetime one where the other was there for whatever reason and I'd say that was for learning. Disappointing and sad that one finds others having their personal agendas for a friendship where it is a sense of power and control or was it a perhaps a sense of competition for a man's affections as may have been in this case. She did not have to compete for it with me, but with the lady in England as that is where his heart lies as he admitted he had started to develop feelings for her last year. Like I have said before one cannot push a river and make others love one and in this case she joined the other twittering bunch of women glamoring for his attentions and they all are left behind this Friday as he'll fly out to his lady love. She just managed to lose a loyal and steadfast friend with her undeserved trashing of my trust and her trying to flex her muscle in this family being a mere acquaintance to that part of this family. Somehow her loss ain't stinging as badly as I thought it would as she took my trust and trashed it in her attempt to climb the pole to this man. Once the trust is gone one might as well kiss the relationship goodbye no matter what it is . I realize that one is not a true friend if one treats someone like that.Very juvenile also to throw something back in a belittling manner that one trusted her with in a confidence. No more.... I learned and I also lost my respect for her. What a drama and what a life experience. I will build a bridge and get over it.
Onto more pleasant things....leave the negative behind....
I am thinking of joining the local Tibetan Buddhist group for a meditations on Sundays. Feel like I need some peace and abiding calm amongst the chaos that seems to be around. I also feel like a sea change to go and leave some of this behind at least for awhile. I am truly feeling oddly disjointed and unhappy this morning. I know there is lot of energy going on with all the changes and it affects everyone. I am feeling heavy, sad , depressed and disjointed like I need something... just don't know what it is.... love perhaps. They say love heals anything and so maybe all I need is love, hmm.
Love, the elusive thing we all look for and some 'wise' people have said that we have to find it within ourselves first before we can love others and true it may be as if one is happy within one can and will give of it freely from within. I am usually quite a happy and smiley person and have these bubbles of joy within, but today they feel flat and sad, missing something. There have been situations in my life even as far as my childhood that have come back to haunt me in their negativity. I understand that lot of it is so I can look at them, forgive them and then let them go, but at times it overwhelms me as some I find are harder to let go of. I seem to be have been rejected a hell of a lot in my life by the parents, various men, friends and strangers. Sometimes the rejection stung deeply because the changes were not within my power like as a child. Most of it I don't worry about so much, but some still rankle and hurt. I have been able to work through some as I can see that the people involved only did their best/worst with what they had at the time and only I can change it now by forgiving the trespasses and go on with a clean slate. In men category it still continues as not so much as rejections any longer, but a pure disinterest. One of the biggest rejections of course was when my second husband at the time came out as a gay man. Now THAT was a major hit below the belt for me as a woman, a person and a wife. Eventually as I was able to surface from that horror I finally began to see that it was not me, but his weaknesses and his inability to face his life as he was that brought about this major, major scene into my unsuspecting view. I worked with it to best of my ability and I must say I grew up somewhat cynical, bruised, battered, but not beaten. I still believe in true love which is a pure miracle I feel after the lifetime experiences I have had with it. True love I believe is around, but is one fortunate enough to receive it? Nevertheless I believe in it's existence and some are indeed fortunate enough to receive it as my friend whom is flying in can attest to. I in my 53rd year rolling on toward me have not yet felt it nor met it face to face par from the love I feel and receive from my Twin in the higher realms. But as here in the physical na-na. Hope lives on though even if it fades to nothing at times and then after a my little, pink piggy moment feeling sorry for myself I get mad with myself and march a little more determined towards my future. I don't believe that having a mere male in one's life will bring any kind of a blessing, but having one's own heart singing with joy and peace will and then THAT attracts the one whom matches one's own higher vibration. I don't want mediocre, but the best for me and that which serves the highest good for me as well as him, but all others around us. The best is yet to come as they say and that's how I will sign off....
Viva LA Viva......:-)
BF13
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