Will and the last testament.... crikey....and other stuff...

Well, another day has dawned and the World is still spinning as it has for millenniums. I have been sitting and reading my Will Kit and I have come to a conclusion it is all too complicated and silly for someone with no assets and lot of money in a bank. My goodness... my poor ol' stuff... who cares where it goes am sure and my kids won't want some of it so into Revolve shop me thinks it'll go. I am sure as I will go on for a while longer that eventually I will part with some of the more important stuff ( like the few things I have from the ol' country) and give them out to my kids, but only to those whom are interested in keeping them. I am once again in my unloading state and thus will look at what I can toss and give away.

It must be a periodic Nomad energies that engulf me and so I proceed to unburden myself of useless and old belongings to a tune of putting my clothing that I have not worn for past 2-3 years ( no, I won't lose weight...) into charity bags. Consequently that is why I have few belongings as I lighten myself up every couple of years and feel a little more free. This means there are hardly anything of any value to leave for my family as either they already have it or I never took it when I left the ex and left all of it behind to start afresh. I did not want the old energy dragging behind so I felt if I left it all par from the few domestic things and the presents which I had received from my family and the friends I'd be more free from the influences of our soured relationship and marriage as I struggled to start again and find myself and my purpose and I was right. It indeed assisted not having the energy stored in the " stuff" messing around in my life as I found it hard and messy enough going in every way to begin with. The scariest and the most soul searching journey that new beginning was as I never had been alone in my whole 37 years on this Earth and all of a sudden I was totally alone and responsible for everything in my life. It was like being a Babe in the Woods.... SCARY, lonely and DARK with strange noises, people and things. But I learned to navigate the Woods and became comfortable eventually and now I look forward to each new adventure.

The first Xmas alone after the 6 months was just most soul tearing experience, but at the same time the most educational time of my life. I understood then why that time of the year people commit most suicides.... no wonder as the loneliness is magnified thousand times when everybody else in the World is with Family and Friends and one it seems is the ONLY one alone. Of course there are millions of people alone at that time, but for me whom never had been it was a truly difficult and heart rending day. My Children whom were teenagers at the time stayed with their father as he to that date had been an exceptional parent and I felt they would be far safer and more settled staying with him and in their home rather than me whom was so totally lost in the wilderness those times. I know they had a hard and difficult time also adjusting, but they have come through it as exceptional adults and I am forever and extremely proud of them and grateful for the strong souls they are.

On the hind sight now am so bloody glad I survived as the personal growth was enormous and ever so welcome and I have become a far nicer, braver, able to laugh at life and myself and far more compassionate woman and a human being than what I was before. In fact I do not know the woman I was when I look at the photos taken before leaving over the years of the marriage. I look at a total stranger... who was she???? Indeed the change was so dramatic that I became a new and a different person or was it that I finally started to dig myself out from underneath of the other peoples' and my own old patterning and expectations and my own weakness to stand up and be counted as whom I really was rather than the mask that I had built up to hide behind. I feel compassion for that poor, lost soul and am ever so grateful for the 'horror' times in the past because they tempered me into who I am today, independent, compassionate and strong woman with an eccentric streak.

Nevertheless, I still don't have much to 'WILL' to anyone in my immediate family. I suppose as long as I have taken care of the expense of my 'last rites' at least I won't leave my family to worry about getting the carcass cremated. I suppose I have my Super, but if the World's economy keeps falling like it has begun well... it may not be worth the paper it's written on.

I hope I have imparted some good, kind and wise thing to my Family so that will be my legacy then. It is said that if we know that even one Life has breathed easier because we have lived, this is to have succeeded. How true.... a great legacy. Mother Theresa must be an Arch Angel in the Heavens by her Legacy then... I bloody well expect so.

I am not worried departing as such, but wanted my eventual Final Curtain not to cost thousands of dollars to my kids so I took a Funeral Plan. It gave me a peace of mind and if my quiz in it was correct I should look forward to my 93rd birthday. If am not healthy and happy it is then time for me to go and take a hike at the Himalayas or some vastly snowy country like some natives up in Arctic do and never return. Bugger it for a joke rotting in some nursing home... they'd throw me out anyhow for being a total pest and a rebel, leading a revolt against the system of mushed and mashed/blended goop and thickened fluids. Once the body is in the danger of not handling an adult diet and my bladder and bowels are in danger of going back to the babyhood it is a high time to expire, keel over, stop, drop and roll in an instant. JC and all the rest of the Saints won't want me joining them with the racket I'll be making on my entry in that case..." GIMME the BLOODY CONTRACT I WROTE NAPPIES and the GOOP INTO.....NOW!!!!! I WANNA SEE IT!!!!!" ... and if it is true my Higher Self would be a very wise Higher Self if it indeed migrated into another dimension in another Universe because I'd be on a HUNT. Hehehe.....LOL.

So I shall write my "will" and give it to my oldest son for the safe keeping with the Funeral Plan and he can do as he wills with it. I won't be here to sort it out, but probably sorting out my contractual mistakes at the Pearly Gates. They ( the Spirit Guides) are already perhaps planning my next incarnation or maybe their own post haste after my arrival to the Gates. Like I have said " Heaven doesn't want me and the Hell's afraid I'll take over..." HEHEH....

BF13 :-)

...end to the Mish Mash and the other...

Well, reading the last piece I thought of deleting it and then I remembered couple of the sayings I had received from my Daughter-in-Law.

~Do not make some priority in your life if you are only an option in theirs, Relationships work best when in balance.

~ You don't need to explain yourself as those who like you don't need it and those who don't like you won't believe it.

How apt and true.

So I left the piece in....and decided to move on with more than one part of my life. One cannot touch any part of the river again because it will have gone never to return and so I want to enjoy each part of the river before it's gone never to return again. Life is a same as it just flows and is gone before we know it. The parts of the river that have flown on are only a memory and no use living with regrets as there is no way bringing back what is already passed. So I now have resolved to look forward in this journey and not backward as the 'Lone Wolf' is moving on. All that is gone has and all that is ahead is waiting to be explored with new friends, experiences and adventures. Life is to be lived not remembered only. To look over the shoulder to what has been or gone is to miss out in what is ahead of us because we are so busy rubber necking backwards. Yesterday is gone never to return, tomorrow is a mystery for us to explore when it becomes Today and today is a PRESENT and that is why it is called such. Happy exploring in the PRESENT, the very moment we are in NOW. No regrets, but well learned lessons....

Viva LA Viva!

More mish and mash....with miracles and Butterflies...

My Goodness I must say I have had a busy few days. My friend and a soul- sister flew in on Wednesday evening and we had dinner the following evening with a old friend of ours and my Hosemate. The old friend has picked on my heart strings for quite awhile, but I doubt he'd know or feel the same heart connection as I do, but as we are of a same soul family the connection is deep and lasting no other way about it. Friend of mine a while back took our birth dates and calculated and drew lines and told me we were of the same soul family. Well, it was an explanation for the close and at times attractive connection, but it seems that this man I feel very deeply for is not the river that would take me home as such as he does not seem to feel the same love connection to me as I do to him. Such is life and we cannot push the river even if we ever so wanted to and I have as life and destiny are their own Masters. At times one feels as if the life and love are part of Murphy's Law and who knows someone else meant for me could just be around the corner, waiting to meet me. Soul-mates are many in this life and one of the psychics in one of the magazines said I would re-marry one day. To love someone is an amazing gift to forward to that person no matter what as they will receive that energy no matter even if they are not aware of receiving such. It will never hurt, but bless and lighten their days and lives as the energy of Love is the strongest and most healing energy to be received and what a gift from a heart it is to those receiving it. It may also be returned without the concious awarness and the energy vibrates back and forth like a golden, warm, sunny waves, healing and bonding those hearts involved.

My soul- sister will be leaving tomorrow morning to fly back to her soul-mate and a lover. The wedding will follow in next couple of years and am hoping mine will join me in time for that amazing celebration. I am missing my friend already, but we will drive up to visit her and family hopefully next month as both my house-mate and I want to also have a bit of a tour to see what gives as far as moving at least for awhile. I think I need to get away from hopeless and confusing situations in my life and hopefully clear my head from cobwebs of this life and it's experiences including seemingly unreturned love.

Ho-hum what a dreary and hopeless feel to this Blog.... heheh. I am not as heart broken as I sound, just little melancholic and wishing not to have to drag myself through the muddy waters of my own making as I slosh in waves of my emotions. SIGH!!!!!

Love and it's many splendid things.... and like what are they I ask.... hmmmm. Learning, more learning and so it goes.....

I pray my Guides and Father/Mother God/ess will bring me through this stinging and smarting stormy affair of my heart and lead me to the still waters of a safe and a sunny harbour. I will wait for the miracle.

Miracles and Butterflies,

BF13 :-)

Mish Mash of Feelings

Oh well, the Xmas in July is over. Cooked like a mad woman and could not even look at it afterward, not even the next day. That's the trouble with me when I cook a lot... I have a real problem eating it afterwards as I have smelled, tasted, handled and looked at the cooking for hours I feel as if I have been eating it for hours also. Everyone else enjoyed it and my kids went home with heaps happily and I sipped (may as well have sat in the bottle) red wine. Huh, somewhat excessively as I found myself trying to remember the end of the evening. It got lost somewhere in my hazy , wine laden brain and I felt as if I missed out on something. Well, I felt real embarrassed later on Sunday as generally one can make a fool of themselves at that stage. Never mind I was assured by my daughter I had only got 'deep and meaningful' as she put it and loved everyone. Oh Boy.....

Never mind.... one of my best lifetime friends is flying in tomorrow evening. She has been like a sister to me for over 2 decades and in the disappointment and the sad situation with another whom I thought was the same, but as I found was not after all, this friend has been a fine comfort, a solid and steady influence and a voice of reason. I have come to a conclusion that some people are here for a reason, season or a lifetime and this one seems a lifetime one where the other was there for whatever reason and I'd say that was for learning. Disappointing and sad that one finds others having their personal agendas for a friendship where it is a sense of power and control or was it a perhaps a sense of competition for a man's affections as may have been in this case. She did not have to compete for it with me, but with the lady in England as that is where his heart lies as he admitted he had started to develop feelings for her last year. Like I have said before one cannot push a river and make others love one and in this case she joined the other twittering bunch of women glamoring for his attentions and they all are left behind this Friday as he'll fly out to his lady love. She just managed to lose a loyal and steadfast friend with her undeserved trashing of my trust and her trying to flex her muscle in this family being a mere acquaintance to that part of this family. Somehow her loss ain't stinging as badly as I thought it would as she took my trust and trashed it in her attempt to climb the pole to this man. Once the trust is gone one might as well kiss the relationship goodbye no matter what it is . I realize that one is not a true friend if one treats someone like that.Very juvenile also to throw something back in a belittling manner that one trusted her with in a confidence. No more.... I learned and I also lost my respect for her. What a drama and what a life experience. I will build a bridge and get over it.

Onto more pleasant things....leave the negative behind....

I am thinking of joining the local Tibetan Buddhist group for a meditations on Sundays. Feel like I need some peace and abiding calm amongst the chaos that seems to be around. I also feel like a sea change to go and leave some of this behind at least for awhile. I am truly feeling oddly disjointed and unhappy this morning. I know there is lot of energy going on with all the changes and it affects everyone. I am feeling heavy, sad , depressed and disjointed like I need something... just don't know what it is.... love perhaps. They say love heals anything and so maybe all I need is love, hmm.

Love, the elusive thing we all look for and some 'wise' people have said that we have to find it within ourselves first before we can love others and true it may be as if one is happy within one can and will give of it freely from within. I am usually quite a happy and smiley person and have these bubbles of joy within, but today they feel flat and sad, missing something. There have been situations in my life even as far as my childhood that have come back to haunt me in their negativity. I understand that lot of it is so I can look at them, forgive them and then let them go, but at times it overwhelms me as some I find are harder to let go of. I seem to be have been rejected a hell of a lot in my life by the parents, various men, friends and strangers. Sometimes the rejection stung deeply because the changes were not within my power like as a child. Most of it I don't worry about so much, but some still rankle and hurt. I have been able to work through some as I can see that the people involved only did their best/worst with what they had at the time and only I can change it now by forgiving the trespasses and go on with a clean slate. In men category it still continues as not so much as rejections any longer, but a pure disinterest. One of the biggest rejections of course was when my second husband at the time came out as a gay man. Now THAT was a major hit below the belt for me as a woman, a person and a wife. Eventually as I was able to surface from that horror I finally began to see that it was not me, but his weaknesses and his inability to face his life as he was that brought about this major, major scene into my unsuspecting view. I worked with it to best of my ability and I must say I grew up somewhat cynical, bruised, battered, but not beaten. I still believe in true love which is a pure miracle I feel after the lifetime experiences I have had with it. True love I believe is around, but is one fortunate enough to receive it? Nevertheless I believe in it's existence and some are indeed fortunate enough to receive it as my friend whom is flying in can attest to. I in my 53rd year rolling on toward me have not yet felt it nor met it face to face par from the love I feel and receive from my Twin in the higher realms. But as here in the physical na-na. Hope lives on though even if it fades to nothing at times and then after a my little, pink piggy moment feeling sorry for myself I get mad with myself and march a little more determined towards my future. I don't believe that having a mere male in one's life will bring any kind of a blessing, but having one's own heart singing with joy and peace will and then THAT attracts the one whom matches one's own higher vibration. I don't want mediocre, but the best for me and that which serves the highest good for me as well as him, but all others around us. The best is yet to come as they say and that's how I will sign off....

Viva LA Viva......:-)

BF13

Good Finnish Christmas food and red wine..... and a dream of a B&B....

Christmas in July ..... As a tradition that I am endeavoring to establish I am once again having Xmas in July. It started as a occasion to eat and enjoy the traditional Finnish Christmas fare as the summers are too hot for all the oven cooking that is required. So for the second time I am doing it all in July. The tree will go up , the carols will play, the candles will burn and the good cooking is to be eaten with family and friends. We will share in Secret Santa gifts and this year the limit is from $10-20 and the two grandchildren will receive something small and fun as their Christmas in July presents. All in fun of giving and receiving, Love and laughter. The gifts will be numbered and popped into a decorated laundry basket and everyone will pull a number from a 'hat' and receive their gifts. If by chance someone pulls out their own they can change and pick another.

It will be an evening of laughter, good conversation, warmth and merriment as people enjoy the warmth and the the good food along with their chosen tipple as the Carols and light classical play as a background music.

I am trying to decide what to pick as my Secret Santa present. My Housemate has decided on a fragrant Rosebush with rose food and an aphids spray. He'll pop it all into a large gift bag from the 2 dollar shop and tape the bag shut. What a nice idea. I have thought of finding a bay tree or a lemon/lime tree from the garden center so people can grow their own gifts. Must go tomorrow and do some shopping, hehe... I am going to have fun. I love getting thoughtful and unusual presents, but also giving them.Cannot forget lotsa candles so need to swing over to the local GoLow/Clints for those.

The food shopping tomorrow will see me organized for the Saturday cooking spree. My goodness IL Divo and the rest will play in earnest as I tend to cook with music and along with cooking dance a jig when the spirit takes me along with the food coming along. My philosophy is that if the cook is happy and loving it so the people ingesting the food will ingest that happy and the loving energy.... so JOY to the WORLD. I will set up the house into a Christmas mode also and set everything ready on Friday after cleaning the house, so Saturday will just be a relaxed and a happy cooking day. I love it....!

People have said to me I should have bed and breakfast as I enjoy making people comfortable and happy in my environment. Hmmmm.... so I would like to, but I would want the Kindred Spirit/Soul mate Partner to share in it. I look at it as load shared is a load halved, but also I would enjoy sharing the joy with someone dear and near... a Soul mate Partner in other words. What fun would it be with two bringing their individual gifts and ideas to the table and sharing the creation of the mood, warmth, joy and the welcoming energy for those arriving. It is, but in destiny to see if that eventuates.

Talking about B&B's I would make mine a smaller affair. Max 6 people at the table and staying. It'd be small and intimate with cosy, spotlessly clean rooms, beautiful, soft music floating around in the common areas, flowers in the vases from the beautiful garden to be enjoyed ( gees, I'd need a Gardener, HEY the Soul mate of course.... heheh) and good food in the mornings. Dinners would be cooked ( good ol' home cooking and BBQ's) at request only and for the 'friends' staying it would be BYOG. That way I would not need a liquor license.

I'd set the whole thing up in Shabby Chic Style with lots of white, clean linen and large, fluffy, white towels fresh every day and natural bathing products. Large cushions on settees, candles and fresh flowers, soft lighting, soft, airy rooms with soft and relaxing colours, spas or deep baths in the bathrooms and open fire in the common area that is made of natural rock to enjoy and good array of books and good magazines to read. Smoking in outdoor areas only which in the winter would be softly lit with heating in the form of outdoor heaters and/or a slow combustion heater area where people could sit and converse, protected from a weather and winds.

Sounds Heavenly for long weekends and an antidote for the bustling of the Cities and busy work week. Making people happy and relaxed after a weekend of joyful relaxation in this crazy world would be my gift to the Humanity...small, but more people happy and relaxed more of that energy to go around. Might be like a little rock hitting the pond, the energy just keep on going till it hits the shores and then it turns back toward the center. In other words what one gives out, one receives back and it goes on and on...so Joy to the World.


Indeed so be it and so it is.....

BF13

To my Twin Soul

Where are you this moment?
Only in my dreams.
You're missing, but you're always
a heart beat from me.
I'm lost now without you,
I don't know where you are.
I keep watching, I keep hoping,
but time seems to keep us apart.

Is there a way I can find you,
is there a sign I should know,
is there a road I should follow
to bring you back home.

Winter lies before me
now you're so far away.
In the darkness of my dreaming
the light of you will stay.

If I could be close beside you
If I could be where you are
If I could reach out and touch you
and bring you back home.
Is there a way I can find you
Is there a sign I should know
Is there a road I could follow
to bring you back home
to me.

By Enya
Amarantine CD

To my Twin Soul