Mish Mash of Feelings

Oh well, the Xmas in July is over. Cooked like a mad woman and could not even look at it afterward, not even the next day. That's the trouble with me when I cook a lot... I have a real problem eating it afterwards as I have smelled, tasted, handled and looked at the cooking for hours I feel as if I have been eating it for hours also. Everyone else enjoyed it and my kids went home with heaps happily and I sipped (may as well have sat in the bottle) red wine. Huh, somewhat excessively as I found myself trying to remember the end of the evening. It got lost somewhere in my hazy , wine laden brain and I felt as if I missed out on something. Well, I felt real embarrassed later on Sunday as generally one can make a fool of themselves at that stage. Never mind I was assured by my daughter I had only got 'deep and meaningful' as she put it and loved everyone. Oh Boy.....

Never mind.... one of my best lifetime friends is flying in tomorrow evening. She has been like a sister to me for over 2 decades and in the disappointment and the sad situation with another whom I thought was the same, but as I found was not after all, this friend has been a fine comfort, a solid and steady influence and a voice of reason. I have come to a conclusion that some people are here for a reason, season or a lifetime and this one seems a lifetime one where the other was there for whatever reason and I'd say that was for learning. Disappointing and sad that one finds others having their personal agendas for a friendship where it is a sense of power and control or was it a perhaps a sense of competition for a man's affections as may have been in this case. She did not have to compete for it with me, but with the lady in England as that is where his heart lies as he admitted he had started to develop feelings for her last year. Like I have said before one cannot push a river and make others love one and in this case she joined the other twittering bunch of women glamoring for his attentions and they all are left behind this Friday as he'll fly out to his lady love. She just managed to lose a loyal and steadfast friend with her undeserved trashing of my trust and her trying to flex her muscle in this family being a mere acquaintance to that part of this family. Somehow her loss ain't stinging as badly as I thought it would as she took my trust and trashed it in her attempt to climb the pole to this man. Once the trust is gone one might as well kiss the relationship goodbye no matter what it is . I realize that one is not a true friend if one treats someone like that.Very juvenile also to throw something back in a belittling manner that one trusted her with in a confidence. No more.... I learned and I also lost my respect for her. What a drama and what a life experience. I will build a bridge and get over it.

Onto more pleasant things....leave the negative behind....

I am thinking of joining the local Tibetan Buddhist group for a meditations on Sundays. Feel like I need some peace and abiding calm amongst the chaos that seems to be around. I also feel like a sea change to go and leave some of this behind at least for awhile. I am truly feeling oddly disjointed and unhappy this morning. I know there is lot of energy going on with all the changes and it affects everyone. I am feeling heavy, sad , depressed and disjointed like I need something... just don't know what it is.... love perhaps. They say love heals anything and so maybe all I need is love, hmm.

Love, the elusive thing we all look for and some 'wise' people have said that we have to find it within ourselves first before we can love others and true it may be as if one is happy within one can and will give of it freely from within. I am usually quite a happy and smiley person and have these bubbles of joy within, but today they feel flat and sad, missing something. There have been situations in my life even as far as my childhood that have come back to haunt me in their negativity. I understand that lot of it is so I can look at them, forgive them and then let them go, but at times it overwhelms me as some I find are harder to let go of. I seem to be have been rejected a hell of a lot in my life by the parents, various men, friends and strangers. Sometimes the rejection stung deeply because the changes were not within my power like as a child. Most of it I don't worry about so much, but some still rankle and hurt. I have been able to work through some as I can see that the people involved only did their best/worst with what they had at the time and only I can change it now by forgiving the trespasses and go on with a clean slate. In men category it still continues as not so much as rejections any longer, but a pure disinterest. One of the biggest rejections of course was when my second husband at the time came out as a gay man. Now THAT was a major hit below the belt for me as a woman, a person and a wife. Eventually as I was able to surface from that horror I finally began to see that it was not me, but his weaknesses and his inability to face his life as he was that brought about this major, major scene into my unsuspecting view. I worked with it to best of my ability and I must say I grew up somewhat cynical, bruised, battered, but not beaten. I still believe in true love which is a pure miracle I feel after the lifetime experiences I have had with it. True love I believe is around, but is one fortunate enough to receive it? Nevertheless I believe in it's existence and some are indeed fortunate enough to receive it as my friend whom is flying in can attest to. I in my 53rd year rolling on toward me have not yet felt it nor met it face to face par from the love I feel and receive from my Twin in the higher realms. But as here in the physical na-na. Hope lives on though even if it fades to nothing at times and then after a my little, pink piggy moment feeling sorry for myself I get mad with myself and march a little more determined towards my future. I don't believe that having a mere male in one's life will bring any kind of a blessing, but having one's own heart singing with joy and peace will and then THAT attracts the one whom matches one's own higher vibration. I don't want mediocre, but the best for me and that which serves the highest good for me as well as him, but all others around us. The best is yet to come as they say and that's how I will sign off....

Viva LA Viva......:-)

BF13